The Day I Almost Killed My Kid

John recently turned 38 and for his birthday I almost got him a trip to the hospital in the ambulance. We were getting ready for his birthday party and awaiting the arrival of my parents when I decided that I would take a walk to the liquor store with Rowan in tow. He was happy to be going for a ride in the stroller and was chomping on a snack. I only made it a few houses down the street when I started to cough. Once I was done hacking I heard a tiny little squeak and I said to my son: "are you imitating mommy?".  Much to my surprise, he was not. He was choking. 

I don't know how long it went on but by the time I noticed that something was wrong he had tears streaming down his face and he was unable to get any air. I started screaming his name and frantically trying to get him out of his stroller but opted to lean him forward and give him a make-shift Heimlich. I wasn't thinking. I was simply reacting. 

I don't know if it was my actions that caused the chip (yes, what the hell was I thinking is exactly right!) to dislodge or if he was able to gag the food up himself but he was breathing before the neighbour who witnessed the whole thing could make it over to us to offer up his help. I had him out of his seat by this time and was hugging him for dear life. I thought this was surely going to be the day I killed my kid.

But it wasn't. 

We returned home to get a stroller safe snack and continued on our way to the liquor store. 

Don't I just sound like the most perfect mom on the planet right now? Liquor store, chips, choking...sometimes I really wonder what I was thinking when I decided that I was fit to raise a child. I am really really grateful that someone was watching over us up there that day and to all you parents out there: solid snacks and strollers don't mix. You can't see the child's face and if you are very unlucky, you won't necessarily hear your baby struggling the way I did. 

Needless to say, my very vivid imagination has been torturing me ever since with the "what ifs". Luckily, I have been learning how to ignore my inner thoughts and to put them to rest far faster than I used to. It's a skill that is absolutely necessary if anyone is to survive parenthood. Especially accident prone ones like me.